A Time for Change

New Year's Resolutions - how many of you make them? More importantly how many of you keep them? I always make the same ones but sadly never stick to them throughout the year. I don't remember even bothering to make one this year.

It's your birthday - blow out your candles and make a wish! What do you wish for? Sometimes I wonder if we all wish for the same things? (Be happy and healthy, have a great year, meet the man of my dreams, be successful) How often does it come true?

I'll tell you what I wished for on my birthday this year - to help more! Its so easy to read or watch the news every morning and see something sad or terrible or devestating or frustrating or whatever other emotion one can feel. You feel emotional for a bit but then like that you're okay, you go back to living your life the way you were 10 mins ago as if that horrible thing had never happened. Its not because you're insensitive or you don't want to help but in most cases you don't know HOW to help. You're busy, money is tight, you've got a million other things on your plate and before you know it the thing that you really wanted to help with has become forgotten. I do the same - as soon as I heard about what happened in Haiti I started looking at what I could do to help! The first thing I saw was the sign "volunteer" - volunteer in Haiti, why yes of course I will! But then I had to be realistic - volunteer is just that - volunteer aka FREE. I'm 27, a grad student, paying for school with loans, work as an English tutor for about 18 bucks for every 2 hours (6 hours a week) = I don't have any money to volunteer. With the cost of the flight from here to the States to Haiti and back, registration fees and costs of living expenses during my time in Haiti I quickly came to the realization that this would not be a possibility! What am I left with now? Nothing but sadness and frustration! I see the pictures of those babies, of the crying mothers, the hurt people and all I want to do is hug them, pray for them, tell them that everything is going to be okay and truly make it okay for them.

I'm trying to do what I can here in Cairo. I've got 2 volunteer positions where I work daily trying to "help" refugees here in Egypt - Iraqis, Sudanese, Eritreans, Ethiopians and whoever else is in need. I'm also starting a new position as of June 1 - HEAR - its a hotline for Refugees and Migrants here in Egypt who need emergency medical and/or legal aid assistance. The hotline will be open 24/7 so I will be volunteering to cover a few shifts a month.

Even with all this I don't feel like its enough! How will I ever complete my goals of "bringing humanity back into the world" "help everyone" "bring and show love and peace" if I'm still "stuck". No real power to make changes. I know I'm helping but still I feel helpless - I am helpless. When one woman looks to me and calls me "habibti" (my love in arabic) as her eyes fill with tears because I'm her last hope! Her last hope to help her and her family be resettled, her last hope at life, her last hope at having hope! She's in her late 50s, her husband has passed away, she lives with her daughter and her son and his wife and 2 children here in Cairo. They fled Iraq because her son helped the Americans and he was then targeted by militia groups. What can I do though? I can write a testimony for them and submit it and hope that they're accepted for interviews by the IOM (International Organization for Migration) and DHS (U.S. Department of Homeland Security). If they succeed then they will be resettled in the U.S. and if not, well, then they're stuck. They either stay here in Egypt where they can't obtain citizenship, can't get jobs (very difficult - must prove that you can do the job and that NO egyptian citizen can do it) plus an endless number of other challenges and limitations. OR they go back to Iraq and face the endless number of difficulties and challenges there and most importantly, they face death. If militia members find out they've returned and they're targeted or if they happened to be in an area where a bomb "accidentally" drops or a bullet is "accidentally" shot.

Sometimes it's hard to hide emotions - I can be very emotional when they tell me their stories. One woman from Eritrea tells me how a General in the Eritrean army had a guard hold her down on the floor while he beat her and raped her and then threatened her and her family if she told anyone. Another woman tells me about how her and her mother were taken from their home in Ethiopia and put into a detention center because they wanted her father who was involved in some antigovernment activities. They couldn't find him so they took her and her mom instead. They were kept in a cell for days before finally 2 men came in one day - one held her while the other beat her mother before raping her in front of her. The men then dragged her mother out and she hasn't seen her since. She doesn't know where they took her, doesn't know if she is dead or alive but says that she doesn't think "she is here anymore". A few days later they come back and raped her - leaving her afterwards to lay on the floor in pools of her own blood, her body so brused and broken she is unable. She doesn't know how long it is, maybe hours, maybe days, before someone finally comes to take her to be treated.

How can you listen to such events and not have tears in your eyes, not show emotion? I try to stay strong but its hard because all you want to do is take away their pain, give them their family back, give them their lives back and make these bad memories disappear. I'm struggling to stay strong, not to get emotionally involved and attached but its hard. What really gets me through it is looking at these individuals and seeing how strong they are. They've endured horrific events but are still here, standing strong and most importantly, living! They all have put their faith in God and believe that he is there and will take care of them - even after all this they don't complain. How can you have nothing less but respect and be in awe of this. They're true inspiration! They want change, yes, to better their lives, but they don't complain and they don't let their lives stop. They don't curl up and wait for something to happen - they're doing everything that they can to make change happen. They do what they can to survive here and do what they can to leave here. They don't wait for change to happen because it never will - they do everything they can to make it happen!

One of my favorite quotes "Be the change that you want to see in the world" - Ghandi. Every day I'm going to put all the effort that I can into doing this! These individuals remind me of this - they remind me of all the evil in this world and at the same time all the beauty that there is. My friend Amanda asked me the other day if I think there is more beauty in the world than there is evil. I told her that at times I honestly don't know but I'd like to believe that the amount of beauty in the world far outweighs the evil.

I'm just me - trying to be great...trying to make a difference...trying to put more hope and love into the world!